baby update

My ultrasound is tomorrow and i am very excited!  I am 21.5 weeks now and doing really well.  I have been having back pain while trying to sleep, but other than that I'd give this experience an A (for now!)  Here are a few pictures of the "growing human" as my friend Danielle likes to call it.

 The child is hidden above, but i love this picture (st. Pat's day)

BPA

Being a mother to be is hard work...

haha, i know all the moms reading this are thinking "oh boy, she has no clue what's coming to her" and i dont mean to sounds all serious, but lately i have been stressed!  

there are too many choices!  bottles, bags, cribs, colors, strollers, car seats...the list goes on.  what happened to choose A or B and thats it?  so my latest obsession has been the chemical BPA.  It was gotten a lot of press lately for its potential harm.  BPA is present in all polycarbonate plastic products including Tupperware, baby bottles and recently i found out NALGENE Bottles!  this may not seem like a big deal, but coming from someone who has been using a nalgene for many years thinking i was doing good by not using disposable plastic bottles for water, it is heartbreaking to find out i may have been causing cancer!  So anyway, BPA can leak out from these plastics into food or beverage and have cancer causing agents, can simulate certain hormones leading to early puberty in kids and even cause brain damage.  I have struggled with this in the past thinking "is it really that big of a deal?"  My parents fed us out of cheap 'ol plastic bottles and we turned out just fine, but who knows what the future will hold.  Lately, I have been feeling that if we now have the information shouldn't we be using it?  

So i have been on a baby bottle research hunt and found this great website listing all BPA free products by most companies

http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2008/02/z-report-on-bpa-in-infant-care-products.html

Maybe i am getting overboard, but i am going to do a plastic inventory in this house...

please someone talk some sense into me!

Happy Birthday Amy!

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to one of my very devoted readers...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY!!!!

in progress...

i know my blogs have been depressing lately, so if you aren't in the mood just move on.  i just need to type, to get things out, to heal.  i am at home in Milan now and it is a harder than i thought it would be.  even though i wrote it in a ton of thank you cards, i didn't really realize how much easier things are when you are surrounded by friends and most of all, family.  i am just a bucket of tears right now, but i guess that is what i need to be.  yesterday i was thinking about how surprised i was in how i was doing, i seemed to not be crying much anymore and felt OK with doing things that had to do with my grandpa.  it would make me sad to see my mom upset and i just wished i could take her pain away.  now that i am home alone i realized that i have a long way to go, i just sit and cry and i don't even know why.  i know i am sad because i miss him, but i can honestly say that i am so happy that he is in heaven, with my grandma, and without any of the sufferings of this earthly world.  i really believe that, so why cant i just rejoice in that joy? just be at peace?  i am scared to go to work tomorrow since i know so many of my patients will remind me of him, of the way he died.  maybe it will help though, another step in the process...

raw

raw, numb, disbelief...

my grandpa passed away yesterday (Monday) afternoon after having a stroke (and heart attack) which left him without much hope of survival and almost no hope of a functional life if he did pull through. i am so glad that Jesus just took him. He has spent 13 years waiting to see his wife again and i am overjoyed that the day finally came for him. As for us fools here on Earth, we selfishly suffer through our broken hearts as we try to grasp what just happened. It was all sudden for us. See, my grandpa has suffered many surgeries, multiple bouts with cancer, a heart attack, and breathing troubles but he always pulled through. Every time i got ready for the "this might be it this time" he always made it, so for this to come out of the blue after his A+ report card at the doctor earlier in the week took us all for a loop. My parents had to find him at his home which he lay outside his bathroom all day. I hate that they had to go through that, to find him, call 911 and just wait... They tried to call him all day, and finally after not returning messages (which is very common for him to do anyway), they decided to drive over there. "it was my gut," my mom said.
This was a very new experience for me, holding his hand as he went, as he said good bye. I hate this desire for just "one more" To see one more smile, to get one more kiss, to hear one more joke, to watch one more tigers game with him, to hear him say "top of the line" and then chuckle one more time. What also hurts, is that we wont get to meet his great-grandchild. My child wont get to meet this incredible caring, giving and wonderful man. It meant a lot when Andrew said "maybe he will tell grandma all about me since she didn't get to meet me" Grandpa and Andrew got along so well, they could talk for hours. Andrew loved to hear his mafia stories and tales of old Detroit.
I am glad i talked to him just on Friday. You see, I called to scold him because after his cancer treatment he had a lost a lot of weight and was given doctor orders to pack on some pounds, so i made him a bet. We had a contest to see who could gain the most weight by August (when my baby is due). I was kicking his butt! so we joked and laughed about things and that was it, the last time.
I just went through this class at my work, the No One Dies Alone program, which supplies volunteers to patients that are dying and do not have anyone with them. I never thought my first experience would be with my own grandpa. For me, it was really good because when my grandma died (i was about 12) the coping process didn't go well. My parents didn't know what do to, didn't know how to help, i don't remember much except being told she died on the way home from gymnastics practice. I wasn't there and wish i was. The difference was, she died a long slow death from cancer. She wasn't the same old "Silly Grandma" that she used to be. The cancer was stealing her body and mind but i know her spirit lived on. She was like a stranger at the end.

"Funny Grandpa" - you are missed and always will be. Like i told you yesterday, we will fine, don't worry, we are just sad, but know you are where you belong. Miss you grandps. Please tell everyone up there we say hi and cant wait to see them.

please pray

please pray, that is all i can say as i can barely see the screen through my tears.
my grandpa has had an awful stroke and was found unconcious by my parents and sister tonight. he is being transferred to royal oak beaumont but things not look good. please just pray for a peaceful goodbye or a miracle, whatever God's will may be.

the belly chronicles

For those of you requesting pictures, here is the first one i have taken ( i know, i am a little behind the game). Week 17- Feb. 28th. I have been feeling great and enjoying my restored energy (althought bed time seems to still occur by eight o'clock nightly). Thanks for all the well wishes.

the list

Just in case you didnt know what i was talking about, here's the link, you can find anything!

www.craigslist.org

i heart craigslist

well this has been the week for the Holt's and craigslist. We bought a great dresser/crib set and sold our very first item! I didnt want to get rid of the trundle bed that we have, but unless our guests are going to sleep out on the lawn on it, it had to go. I thought i would check out this criagslist thing and it was great. I put up some pictures on Thursday night and by Friday morning I had 5 people who wanted it, then later that day i got 5 more emails...I couldnt believe how easy it was. This morning a really nice lady and her husband came, cash in hand and out the trundle bed went. The best part was we sold it for the same price we bought the dresser/crib for, so it was like getting it for free!
I feel like i just won the lottery!