raw

raw, numb, disbelief...

my grandpa passed away yesterday (Monday) afternoon after having a stroke (and heart attack) which left him without much hope of survival and almost no hope of a functional life if he did pull through. i am so glad that Jesus just took him. He has spent 13 years waiting to see his wife again and i am overjoyed that the day finally came for him. As for us fools here on Earth, we selfishly suffer through our broken hearts as we try to grasp what just happened. It was all sudden for us. See, my grandpa has suffered many surgeries, multiple bouts with cancer, a heart attack, and breathing troubles but he always pulled through. Every time i got ready for the "this might be it this time" he always made it, so for this to come out of the blue after his A+ report card at the doctor earlier in the week took us all for a loop. My parents had to find him at his home which he lay outside his bathroom all day. I hate that they had to go through that, to find him, call 911 and just wait... They tried to call him all day, and finally after not returning messages (which is very common for him to do anyway), they decided to drive over there. "it was my gut," my mom said.
This was a very new experience for me, holding his hand as he went, as he said good bye. I hate this desire for just "one more" To see one more smile, to get one more kiss, to hear one more joke, to watch one more tigers game with him, to hear him say "top of the line" and then chuckle one more time. What also hurts, is that we wont get to meet his great-grandchild. My child wont get to meet this incredible caring, giving and wonderful man. It meant a lot when Andrew said "maybe he will tell grandma all about me since she didn't get to meet me" Grandpa and Andrew got along so well, they could talk for hours. Andrew loved to hear his mafia stories and tales of old Detroit.
I am glad i talked to him just on Friday. You see, I called to scold him because after his cancer treatment he had a lost a lot of weight and was given doctor orders to pack on some pounds, so i made him a bet. We had a contest to see who could gain the most weight by August (when my baby is due). I was kicking his butt! so we joked and laughed about things and that was it, the last time.
I just went through this class at my work, the No One Dies Alone program, which supplies volunteers to patients that are dying and do not have anyone with them. I never thought my first experience would be with my own grandpa. For me, it was really good because when my grandma died (i was about 12) the coping process didn't go well. My parents didn't know what do to, didn't know how to help, i don't remember much except being told she died on the way home from gymnastics practice. I wasn't there and wish i was. The difference was, she died a long slow death from cancer. She wasn't the same old "Silly Grandma" that she used to be. The cancer was stealing her body and mind but i know her spirit lived on. She was like a stranger at the end.

"Funny Grandpa" - you are missed and always will be. Like i told you yesterday, we will fine, don't worry, we are just sad, but know you are where you belong. Miss you grandps. Please tell everyone up there we say hi and cant wait to see them.