in progress...

i know my blogs have been depressing lately, so if you aren't in the mood just move on.  i just need to type, to get things out, to heal.  i am at home in Milan now and it is a harder than i thought it would be.  even though i wrote it in a ton of thank you cards, i didn't really realize how much easier things are when you are surrounded by friends and most of all, family.  i am just a bucket of tears right now, but i guess that is what i need to be.  yesterday i was thinking about how surprised i was in how i was doing, i seemed to not be crying much anymore and felt OK with doing things that had to do with my grandpa.  it would make me sad to see my mom upset and i just wished i could take her pain away.  now that i am home alone i realized that i have a long way to go, i just sit and cry and i don't even know why.  i know i am sad because i miss him, but i can honestly say that i am so happy that he is in heaven, with my grandma, and without any of the sufferings of this earthly world.  i really believe that, so why cant i just rejoice in that joy? just be at peace?  i am scared to go to work tomorrow since i know so many of my patients will remind me of him, of the way he died.  maybe it will help though, another step in the process...