sad

beware: depression ahead.

last Tuesday morning i found out a past coworkers husband had passed away. He was 44. He had a 8 and 12 year old. He was the "perfect dad". It was stunning, i didnt know what to say, what to write, what to do. What do you tell a 40 year old widow and her kids? The whole situation was so sad, but yesterday at the wake it was so refreshing to see Kim and her smile, her jokes, and her barriers, i guess. I was the one crying at HER husbands funeral and she was making me laugh, telling me it was ok to cry... what an oxymoron.

So if you are reading this, please just keep the Lord family in your prayers (Kim, Austin and Allie). Esp. pray for the kids. Austin was playing basketball with his dad, Scott, when this happened, right there in the gym. He is really struggling with blaming himself and is going to need some help during these years when "a boy needs his dad" i am not sure what else to say, it is all still seeping in.

tree

the tree is up, the tree is up!
let me make sure to mention this is the tree that we purchased at 4.01am on "black friday". why do they call it that by the way? it sounds so depressing.
anyway, the tree is up, lit and ornamented (yup, thats a verb).
Horrah!!!

help is on the way

well, drew and i are practically heroes.

ok, we are also arrogant (drew says he isnt).

but really, we got to jump into action on friday morning. Like most crazy people, we were out the door at 3.45am to catch the "Black Friday" deals. We started at JCPenneys and grabbed the last 2 Christmas tress for a sweet price and were out that door by 420AM. we had to stopped at my parents house and drop them off (one for us, one for the rents) because there was no room for me in the trailblazer. I forgot to mention, we dragged my mom out of bed at this hour too!

so then we went back and walked around the mall a bit, anxiously awaiting the opening of Macy's at 6. Drew and I stood in line just before 6 to get in. there was a line upstairs and then a line downstairs at the escalators (not on yet). all of a sudden we heard screaming and i assumed they opened the doors, but soon realized that wasnt the case. At first i thought someone was caught in the escalator because at first glance i just saw someone lying on the ground. drew claims he knew someone had fallen down the stairs right away (in his words he is a "trained investigator").

As everyone else stared down from the balcony, drew and i ran down the up escalator, still not on (thank God). I assessed the situation and still thought the lady was unconscious. I took her pulse and thought i felt it, but my hands were shaky so bad i wasnt sure. I checked her wrist while trying to get her to talk to me and then realized she was ok.
she had a pulse
she could talk
she could squeeze my hands
now our only problem was that she had blood gushing out the back of her head.
after directing someone to call 911 and get the store managers (we were still so scared they would turn on the escalator and open the large doors near us and the crowd would rush in) i later found out that drew had his hand over the "emergency stop" bottom just in case.

There was a nurse there that was holding pressure on the back of the ladies head and we gathered all the info that EMS would need when they arrived (which was at least 15 minutes) good thing the lady was alive. It turns out they started to walk down the stairs and the lady tripped and fell 2/3 of the way down. We could tell by the coffee stains trailing down the stairs. Her daughter was with her and seemed awfully calm during this whole event. It makes me wonder if this has happened before. :)

I was ready to save her life, do CPR, save the day. but instead i just got to hold her hand. I shouldnt say "just" because i could tell she was scared to death and probably would have tried to get up if we werent there to make sure she didnt.

So anyway, I will probably never know how she did or if she is OK, but it was exciting nontheless and to top that, the item that i wanted to buy was still there! yea!

giving thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
I hope everyone had a great day surrounded by those they love (or at least like)

history

i must be honest, i really struggle with Bible history. that is why i like going to church so much (one reason).  someone who is much smarter than I and has already done all the research explains to me the whys, how's and where's of so many many years ago (selfish, i know).  anyway so the past two days of Solo have been in Leviticus

Day 8 and 9: Letting go of Sin

I've been reading about offerings (absolution-offerings, whole-burnt-offering an so on.)  it is a bit over my head.  but i do get the letting go of sin, of sending of the animal with our sins, our iniquities.  God says He didn't give animals the capacity to take on hurt or guilt, so we shouldn't feel guilty "giving" our sins to the animals/sacrifices.  I am still working on this whole thought.  But i see where they are coming for.  it makes it seem so easy.

Give sin to animal, send animal away, sin forgiven.  i dont mean to make light of it, i know there is much more to it, but like i said, i'm getting there.

ok, time for a run with my girls...Rain, Rain, go away!

getting back....

When i first starting swimming this is what i felt like... take away my floaties and i was a goner.  (It is funny how i find the need to find a photo that matches my story, but that seems to be half the fun on my new blogging habit.)  I started swimming last summer when i was hurt with a running injury and had to find a non weight bearing activity to stay in shape.  I was training for my first marathon so this was devastating to me at the time.  i had no clue what to do since even biking bothered my leg, so i thought i would learn how to swim (at age 24).  that was interesting, but with a little persistence anyone can learn anything (just about) so each day got a little easier and before i knew it i could swim a whole length without choking on water or something similar!  But in all seriousness i really did start to enjoy my new activity and haven't stopped much.  I did a couple of triathlons this summer but since have taken a break and lost my focus lately without an event to train for.  So yesterday i decided it is time to get back on track.  so last night i biked and this morning a finally got a good swim in ( 1 mile).  I need an event to train for, which is very difficult here in Michigan , but i'll find something.  i might even make a game time decision to jump in the Detroit turkey trot, well see :)  i became such a good swimmer i will probably end up in Beijing next year (unless i turn down the Olympics, its a big decision) 

ok ok, i know it is bad to lie. sorry!

SA

its official: my friends and I are signed up to be bell ringers! (Dec. 15th for you relevant people, mark your calendars!)   i can say this is a first and hopefully will be fun, but i guess we really aren't doing it to have fun, but to help those in need.

fun is a bonus.

The above bell is too big to ring, if fact it is the Worlds BIGGEST bell!so we ring a smaller version.  I wonder if i am allowed to put kids that i dont know on my blog?...probably not, sorry kids. 

This is a much more meaningful picture that i just found. It is very cool to see how practical the SA is.  So think twice next time you walk past the red kettle. It is giving people hope, warmth, food and joy.  Ok, that wasnt meant to be a guilt trip.  but really all those pockets full of change really do add up.

thanks for nothing

i think i am really starting to like Milan. At first i wasn't so sure, i hated getting on 23 every time i went somewhere. i disliked my friends being at least 20 minutes away. i really didn't like driving into work at 2am in the middle of winter (ok, i don't think i will ever like that). but i do like Milan. i love my church. i really am enjoying my new friends, my small group. i like going to church and people actually saying hello, because they finally know my name. i like figuring out who is who and who "belongs" to who. i like seeing the basement of my church for the first time. i like that i got a first hand tour from the pastors wife, yup that's right! at the special Milan thanksgiving service tonight a few local churches got together to give thanks for the good, bad and "in between times" that we deal with. it is always encouraging to be in a group of believers from all different backgrounds, ages, color, sex, and personalities. but the constant thing is God's love and how he has touched each person in that room. so we went around and various people gave examples of God's awesomeness in the good, bad and in between. i thought about speaking up, but didn't (gotta work on that). anyway since i did some thinking, i thought i would write down what i would have said if i wasn't so chicken

The Good: I thank God for putting us in Milan, helping us to find a church home again and quickly surrounding us with a support group. for a little while i thought i might not find this again. that i might not know God like i thought I did at Central, but stupid me to doubt. of course i would find Him. and this time i will not lose Him. I love being excited to go to church, being disappointed if it isn't Wednesday or Sunday. i love the joy i have to worship, to read and of course to learn.

The Bad: of course this is more difficult, but i praise and thank God through the recent "loss" that Drew and I are dealing with (better yet, have dealt with, praise God). I thank God that He will give us more chances and that we are so young and have so many years ahead of us. and i thank Him for giving me peace through this and so many people that have been through this trial to help me move on. Thank you

The in-be-tween: For me this is tough as well...we don't even realize all the "nothing" times that God saves us from, we don't know what could have happened, would could have hurt, killed or damaged us. My close friend and biking bud, Carol was hit by a car this July. Background: Carol and I biked to work at least 3 times a week (20-30 miles round trip) and rode across the state this summer on a week long trip. We mostly rode together but occasionally rode separate if our schedules were opposite. On July 2, they were just that. She was struck on her way to work, alone. I had a hard time with this, thinking, "if we were together it wouldn't have happened" but God has really helped me realize that it could have been that much worse if i were there. i hate that she was hurt (back fracture, broken clavicle, severed ear) but i love that she lived, can walk, and with God's help will bike again someday. i feel guilty that i am Ok, it took awhile to get back on my bike, to ride that route again, but i realized i had to keep riding for both of us. i couldn't let the accident take the joy of biking from both us. i know Carol would hate that. So Thank you God, for nothing :)

that is what i would have said.

glory...

Day 6: God Reveals Himself

Setting: Exodus 33. God showing His Glory to Moses.

Can we really even comprehend that?

His Glory.

What exactly is that? Something so powerful that no one can even see His Face and that Moses had to come alone, clear the mountain, of everything, even livestock. By the way, how in the world do you clear a mountain? :) So as God 'passes by' (as if it is no big deal) he says

" God, God, a God of mercy and grace, endlessly patient- so much love, so deeply true- loyal in love for a thousand generations, forgiving iniquity, rebellion and sin." Exodus 34:6-7 msg.

That is the truly amazing part to me. That someone can be so perfect, so gracious, so loving, so honest, so God. The thought of being like that seems so out of reach sometimes. I long to have such a pure heart, to forgive, better yet, to never get upset in the first place, to truly be loving. It just shows how much i need God, I NEED His touch, His mercy, His Life in me. I try so hard to be selfless, to love, but that is just it, i don't want it to be trying, i just want it to BE, because that is the person I am, the person God made me. I am a work in progress. (thanks Kim).

This morning, i finally got up the courage to go check out the Compassion Ministry at my church. I had heard people talk about it, but I just always seemed to find a reason not to go. But not today, today was different. I even set my alarm on a Saturday (usually my only day without that wonderful Alicia Keys song waking me up). So the alarm went off and i pretty much brushed my teeth, threw on my jacket and walked out the door, across the street and through the back of the ministry center. I was first surprised at the line of people out the door, about 90 minutes before the door opened. I had heard of the line, but to actually see all these people, hurting, broken, cold, and some desperate. Some had chairs, some blankets, and some just carried the hope that someone would help. Once getting to work, I realized why I should have come so long ago. God's people at work, sharing what they had (i soon saw many workers were also recipients of help, and were working to give back what God was blessing them with). We started earlier than normal this morning, which was a relief to me, to allow everyone inside, out of the cold. The system is very organized and while people are waiting for their turn in the clothes closet or food pantry they can enjoy fellowship, warmth and even cookies and coffee. We were able to help at least 160+ family's and i personally lifted hundreds of lbs. of food that will go to feed so many that are hurting by this recent economy and strings of 'bad luck' It is such an experience of mixed emotions. I felt so glad to be helping provide practical ways to help people, but my heart just broke to see all the need. You feel so bad, it sunk in most, when i entered by nice warm house, in from the cold, rainy day and couldn't decide what to eat for lunch because i had TOO MANY options. I wanted to bring people over and have them take what they needed from my own fridge. The problem of hunger seems so big to tackle, but we are doing what we can every week, every week helping more and more people and spreading God's incredible LOVE.

summertime

well, i am just trying out a new writer... here is a cute pic from this summer at my grandma's.  Just hoping UM pulls there act together, i am afraid the injuries are catching up with us.  Also, i am attempting to plan a baby shower.  Anyone have ideas?  Please let me know!

Not really sure how this writer is different, but we will keep looking...i'll keep you posted.

so i guess you can put maps in here, this is where i live (vaguely, in case you crazy's out there want to come get me). ok i guess that is all for now!  time for a bike ride

Go Blue!

Go Blue! I dont think much else needs to be said... UM v. OSU 11-17

3 Stooges

I am proud to be the newest member of the Milan chapter of the Three Stooges. Moments ago, Amy, Stephanie and I set out for a run. Seems like no big deal right? 3 friends exercising, still sounds normal, huh? well lets throw in the fact that it is 35 degrees outside, pitch black, 2 of the three stooges haven't run more than 3 miles since they had their children (opps..i guess that gives away which 2) and we decide to run down the "back, unlit, scary, dirt, pothole filled roads that line our city" oh yeah, don't forget the cemetery we passed at a point where there was no turning back. Man, sounds like a fun friday night to me. In deed it was, In fact i am looking forward until the next adventure. Thanks Girls!

Hoard-er

Day 5- The bread God has given

Let us delight in "enoughness"

In Exodus 16 God instructs Moses to go out and collect enough manna for each day (a certain amount was alloted) and not to hoard any more because there would be enough (provided by God) for each day. But of course, everyone didnt listen, but those that attempted to hoard too much woke up in the morning with spoiled bread filled with maggots and an awful stench. It is just like today, we are given 'enough' to live and we should share excess with others, just as others would share with us if we needed, but that is not what people do. myself included. we are hoarders. who taught us that? how did we learn to hoard? hoard is a funny word, isnt it? I can honestly say i am filled with enoughness at this time.

alight, enough of that... what is really on my mind is my unsettled spirit. maybe that sounds a little cliche, but i just dont get what is going on right now. i am so up and down, one minute so excited, the next not so much. i am quick to anger lately also, and unfortunetly it is directed as those i love most. why do we do this? where are my patience? i see how i hurt those i love and instantly remorse for what i have done, more so internally because it is often my hurtful thoughts then my actual actions. but the sad thing is, i do it again. and again. as if i dont have control. but i do. i should. I just started reading "A love worth giving" by Max Lucado. i am going to figure this thing out. i want to share my love.

Psalms

Ok...for all you muscians out there, or wanna-be's...check out this site http://www.myspace.com/andymholt

Its my sweet husband displaying his gifts.

You're welcome Rich :)

Pay Attention

Day 4: Learning to Pay Attention
Well first off, nothing to do with what i just read, but i am plain old fire up after small group tonight. i am excited to serve, share, and hopefully spoil as many of God's people as I can. No strings attached. My prayer is for boldness, like i said tonight, my intentions are incredible, too bad intentions don't get the job done. Like today for example, i had this urge to pay for the mans coffee in front of me in line, but i chickened out, i was afraid what he might think of me, or that he would be offended, like i thought he looked poor or something. What i really need to do is just give it to God and let Him take control of the petty stuff. I am excited about what our small group is up to for this holiday season.. Yea!

OK onto the reading. Today was Moses and the burning bush. I wonder, did Moses think "maybe i should put out this fire" because to be honest if i saw a bush on fire, i wouldn't think "maybe it is God" I would think, oh shoot, where is the water, i should call 911 or maybe even just leave. Well good think Moses just had faith i suppose, he knew it was God and stayed, took off his sandals but then he hid and was afraid.
Why was he afraid?
Afraid to see his glory?Why did he want to hide?
was he ashamed?

it is just like Adam hiding in the garden when he realized he was naked... I am not sure i have experienced God quite like that...I'll have to think about that one.

But nonetheless, i do think God is stirring right now, and i am just going to "pay attention" and respond. I am willing, willing to respond. Good Night Friends.

Can you say puree?

Haha, I am mainly choose this picture for Amy, who I know is the only one who knows about this blog thus far, but the above summarizes what I learned today (except picture green broccoli instead!) But in all seriousness today was a very different day for me. I unexpectedly received the day off at the last minute yesterday and without a car (a whole different subject i don't even want to go into) I was limited to the great city of Milan. So i thought i would head out by foot (and pedal) and see what goes on during the day. I started off my day at Mickey D's with a cup of coffee. Let's just say i quickly learned where the 75 and up crowd hangs out in the AM! After walking home, i did some stuff around the house (mainly organized some pictures on the computer and updated the frames around the house) i know it sounds dorky, but i felt very accomplished. I then was drawn into an old soap (embarrassing!) but pulled myself away to enjoy the sunshine and went for a run, raked leaves, met a new neighbor (one year too late) and biked to the library. After that I ran over to my friend Amy's house. I am proud to announce I am Amy's first post-pregnancy new friend. Random fact, but it is interesting to only know Amy the Mom and not know her before Jack. We had a great night. Amy's husband came home and we got to sneak out for a few and grab dinner and then back to hang out with Jack. Jack is so sweet, it makes really excited to have kids someday. He is always so happy. ok wait, i guess i can't say always. I learned tonight that Jack doesn't like blenders. So anyway, I learned how to make homemade baby food today. This included blending the broccoli in the bathroom because Jack wanted nothing to do with the blender in the kitchen. The best part is, I get to see Jack again tomorrow, not to mention Amy, sorry, i dont want her thinking I like jack better :)

Will and Use

Day 3: A picture of forgiveness

It is truly amazing what God can use. Basically, anything He wants He can use, no matter how useless we may thing or how awful it seems to us, He can use it. Gen 50- Joseph's brothers have been horrible to him and after his father's death they scheme and tell Joseph that his father wanted him to forgive the brothers for their wrong doings, that that was his last wish. Not only are they not Man enough to truthfully ask for forgiveness (out of fear, i suppose) but they lie and use their dead father for their advantage. But it doesn't even matter, because God is so forgiving (and Joseph is so aware) that thebrothers are not only forgiven, but blessed in the fact that Joseph swears to take car of them and their children. Why in the world are we forgiven, it is amazing that God doesn't run out of patience with all this children and our selfishness. The brothers no longer fear and hopefully realize the grace that was layed upon them.

Question(s)

Day 2: Wrestling in the Night

I have realized I am full of questions, mainly because lack of knowledge but more even more so because of this great desire i have to learn and understand. Today we read about Jacob wrestling with "a man" who is apparently God or an angel. So what i struggle to understand is why God is asking so many questions (because we all know he already knows the answers). And what exactly does "he blessed him" mean? can other people "bless" people back then except for God? and if not, why doesn't Jacob know that it was God he was wrestling with? And if it really was God, then way couldn't He beat Jacob when they were wrestling? or better yet, why was he letting Jacob win? Was it all so he could be named Israel (G0d-wrestler). Is that why Israel is named so, were the Israelites God-wrestlers? Someday i will come back with answers, but for now, just more questions. I need to just keep reading...

How sweet is the fruit

As i talked about the other day, I am starting a new devotional from The Message called Remix: Solo. My goal is (i seem to be big on goals these days) to blog a bit each day about the message, if i have time, maybe some days will take 4 days to read and that's ok, its not a challenge to get through, but to real dive in and get lost.

The Garden of Edan
Originally uploaded by Second Nature Photos

Day I- Desire for Reconciliation

Genesis 3
Ever wonder what would have happened if "the woman" never picked the fruit? or what if "the man" just said NO...would this world as we know it be entirely different? would Jesus still have had to come? was it just a matter of time before the serpent tricked someone? would it have been Adam/eve's children?

Well, we can wonder all we want, but the fact is: they picked, ate, sinned and here we are. Sometimes we deliberately sin against God. We "pick the fruit" that we know we shouldn't. man, why do we do that? we know how sweet life is, in His arms, with His love and we just turn away and enjoy the sweetness of this world. why?

My prayer is one for forgiveness and desire to turn away from the temptations that we encounter so often. That we can look the serpent in the eyes and command him back to he came from.

PURE

I am currently reading Rob Bell's book, Velvet Elvis. I have to admit that i started reading it as a desperate plea to become more "Christian" but it has been so refreshing to read such raw emotions from a self proclaimed quote un-quote SuperPastor. Rob talks about how successful his church was quickly (in terms of raw number) but as it became bigger and bigger he hurt more and more. With more worldly success just comes more stress and hurt and does not even begin to make things better.

I thought i would share a few of the things that really hit home so far

• I'm not defined by what I'm not. - Yes, we all sin, but NO we do not have to be defined as sinners. we are not defined by our faults, failures, sins and letdowns. We can choose to be defined by the Grace that covers us and helps us in our rebuilding, forgiveness and mercy towards others, but more importantly for ourselves.

• I'm loved just because I exist. - Pretty powerful in itself huh? God loves us just because he made us, not because of anything we do, did or will did. that's it. period.
  
  
  


• Jesus, the Rabbi, ACTUALLY thinks we can be like Him. This was something i didn't know much about, but it was really interesting to learn about the Jewish faith and how only the best of the best made it to be Rabbi's instead of learning the family trade. And when a Rabbi saw someone with absolute potential he may ask him to "come, follow me." and that is exactly what Jesus did with His disciples and exactly what He did with each of us. He really thinks we CAN be like Him.
  
  


• We need to live up to what we've already attained. -God has given us such ability, we already have it, it is IN us, we just have to use it.
  


• The thought has stuck with me the most so far is just the ability to 'long to be comfortable in my own skin' It is something we probably don't think about, but really, how many people are completely comfortable with who they are? We often care for others, mentor others, heal others, pray for OTHERS because we are afraid to face our own pain.

finally

ok, finally, maybe, i am getting a hang of this blogging thing. i just FINALLY figured out how to post a profile pic. not sure why it was such a problem, but now anyone who wants (mainly strangers who may stumble across this) can view a in depth pic of me making out with my husband, ha! since no one i actually know knows about this blog (yet). So, i thought i would add some pics since I now know how! This is my husband Drew and our nephew Ethan. (right). The above pic is my Drew and I at CMU (where we met and fell madly in love) i know, i know, puke now :) Below to the left is my best friend Danielle beating up my little sister Michelle (ok, not really, but it sure looks like it huh?)

Alright, these tired eyes are going to bed. FYI: I am reading velvet elvis by Rob Bell currently. I have 8 days to finish before the library police come to get me. Goal for weekend: Finish Elvis.

Rich II

So continuing on... At small group, we watched a Nooma DVD about the richness of Americans and ironic it is that people have bumper stickers that say "God bless America" (Please take no offense if you are someone with this bumper sticker or similar banner displaying your commitment to the Good 'Ol USA). This is deeper than the sticker, this is about how the poorest American is flat out spoiled, compared to the majority of the world. I don't remember the statistics to spit back out at you but it is amazing to know that we are so blessed, we cannot even comprehend it, we just take it for granted, more often than not. It just kills me at times at work sometimes when people complain how "small" their raise was, or how they work too hard and aren't payed enough. If only they really knew, really knew how hard it is everywhere else. DO you think we could even make it a week, or even a day outside our world full of blessings?

I have just been praying for the ability to help others see how blessed we are, how plain old spoiled we, we are so blinded, so blinded. Lord, let us have eyes to see, give us the strength to handle seeing "with your eyes" to see the pain you see, but also the joy that you see, may we be so blessed that we can see just an ounce of you joy. Thank you Lord

Rich

I just don't want to forget about the RICHness of our lives. Small group was esp. moving to me as this is a topic that has been hit by so many from different areas in my life lately. I attended Kensington church 2 weeks ago and a message that was driven home was about "doing Christmas different" this year and taking money we would normally spend on each other and spending it on those really in need. It is so easy to leave something like that and want to change your life, but it is so easy to morph back into society and forget it all. I dont want to live like that.

ready for poop

My runs with my good friend Kristin, who is 26 weeks pregnant, always seem to be so therapeutic for me. She is such a sound friend and very objective. I often think just her open ear means more than anything. I tend to just babble and babble and by the end of 3 or so miles, i always seem to have some clarity even if she didn't have much to say (because i wouldn't shut up to let her :). Today for example, we have transferred into the inside on the treadmill (i guess the baby-to-be doesn't like the colder weather). Anyway, in a matter of 40 minutes i felt like i figured out the next 5-7 years of my life out! I know that is manly because of all the prayers from Sunday and my desire for clarity, which i truly feel i have been receiving lately, but it so refreshing to see so clear. So it seems like babies before nursing school, at least for now. So my new goal for the winter is to pass my RCIS exam for work and take a pre-req or two (maybe). First on the list is diving into the Word though. Hopefully that will come with help with a new book i bought (that i heard about through a very wise man, at least he seems so, so far) called SOLO: the message, it is a daily devotional way to cruise through the Bible. So i am looking forward to some diving in and drowning (in a good way) in God's truth. Blessings...

Flood

The Flood...

God, hear me, better yet, thank you for hearing me. Help me to hear you...I have this burning desire to serve, to help and i want to focus it. I often just volunteer knowing I should, but spreading myself so thin. I want to channel my desires where they can best be used. I know my future is in health care and lately I feel like it is in helping people die. I know it sounds weird and maybe morbid but I think there can be such peace in death and I want to help people see and experience that. I think part of that is from Grandpa and his struggles but I also see how the people helping him make his day. It is the "little things" that mean so much to those suffering, those alone. God has given me the ability to make a difference, and in deed, that is what i will do.

Today at church, Beth prayed for me along with Sandy, and what meant more to me than anything was that Sandy couldnt hear anything we said, but she just said she hear God saying that I "would feel a wind of the spirit come over me" which is exactly what Beth and I were praying for"

As I am writing, I realize that this blog is more for myself than anyone else, I want to look back and see you working Lord, see your wonders...